Ramblings of a Broken Heart

So August 28th, I found out that I was pregnant and had the copper IUD. I immediately called my OBGYN as I knew that would have to be removed. At that point they told me that this child had a 50/50 chance. It was like a roller coaster ride of emotions from that point to current. We were so shocked and excited too. I was VERY EARLY pregnant, but my heart was flooded with questions….will this one be a boy or a girl, will I have twins or just a single one, what will he/she look like, what will he/she do with his/her life??? Questions, questions, and more questions envisioning him/her in my arms in the middle of the night so exhausted yet overwhelmed by this HUGE love that only continued to grow each and every time I looked into the sweet babies eyes. From the moment I found out….this great love for this child swelled up within me…..but I was having complications, and I knew that trusting God was the only way through ….no matter what. I wanted so much to believe and hope for the best though I had to pray more then a few times …Lord Jesus….help me believe!!! There was just something that did not seem or feel right, but I wanted to maintain a positive mindset that all was ok. September 12th around 5pm I started having these awful cramps that were making me double over so mom took the kids, and David took me to the ER. After a long wait, blood work, and a excruciating ultrasound they discovered that my pregnancy was ectopic inside my right ovary. My hcg levels were rising but not doubling and my progesterone levels were extremely low so they knew that I was loosing the baby, but before the hospital visit they had no clue where he/she was because it was so early on they couldn’t see much on the ultrasound the week before.

My heart was broke when I heard that this child was ectopic. I wanted this baby with everything within me, but for whatever reason God did not create this one for me to carry any longer here on this earth. He took this child on and no matter how much I wonder or cry this out …..I will never know or understand why…..but there is still GREAT PURPOSE even though I may not see or understand!!! What I do take comfort in is that He/She is in Heaven with Jesus, 2 other siblings, family, and friends, who have went on to be with the Lord already. They are all in a much better place then we are, and we will see them again…..now there is even a bigger piece of my heart in heaven……talk about Laying up for yourself treasures in Heaven….I have 3 Jewels up there that will call me mommy one day when I get there…….but in the moment that was even hard to take comfort in…… I cried for ever and experienced my BP bottoming out amongst other awful pains and symptoms as they were one right after another giving me shots to help….

My husband was there at the hospital the entire time reassuring me that He was. He helped me when I came home afterwards, and I am thankful for him as he is always there. This was His child too, but I feel like He’s had to console me and just be strong for me to help me get through this. Please lift Him up in prayer as well!!!

I know, I know, I know….I sound like I am playing victim right now….and I always preach against that…. OFTEN….I know that we have VICTORY in Jesus ……AND WE TRULY DO……and that is exactly why I can not skip this grieving process as this all plays part in walking in Victory as His daughter. Grieving allows us to release our hurt, bitterness, anger, confusion, and the list goes on, but in essence brings an ultimate freedom in Jesus as we lie everything that we feel at the foot of the Cross of Jesus and ask Him to heal us from the inside out. I got to cry, and know that it’s ok to do. I got to pour out my heart to God, but yet ask Him that He would open the eyes of my understanding that I would know the hope of His calling through this. (Ephesians 1:18) I just need some major prayer right now in this time…that I would not throw myself pity parties, that I would not feel guilty as if for some reason I am being punished by God …..that I would not fall for these discouraging lies of Satan, but stand strong and fervent in prayer in open complete honesty before the Lord with everything that I am thinking as HE truly knows my heart more then I do, and my thoughts before I even think them….so why hide what He already knows? I need prayers to not feel so empty and lost…to not feel so lonely even when I have so many surrounding me who love me..

I am a encourager at heart….that’s a big part of who I am, but right now trying to encourage myself in the Lord is proving to be a struggle. In this time, I am so thankful for my friends and family who are led by the Lord and speak life and encouragement to my weary broken heart. I love the body of Christ because we lift each other up when were down. You all have been such a blessing in this time, and we appreciate your prayers. I am trying to pray and express my heart to God, but all I can do alot of times is just cry. He knows better then I know, so that’s ok!!! I just pray that hope and healing are around the corner, and that peace will be brought to this storm very soon!!!

If you are in a time of loss and brokenness….don’t skip the grieving process!!! Cry it out!!! Let it set you free!!! Tell Jesus about it. He wants to hear from us….He may already know, but He wants to hear us say it. Only He can fill the voids in our hearts!!! Only He can give us the peace that we need!! Only He can comfort us in a way that truly saves us from ourselves!!! Look to Jesus as HE is where our help comes from!!! (Psalms 121:1-2)

Let’s Pray!!!

Dear Heavenly Father,
We need Your sweet Holy Spirit comforter to embrace us with Your great Agape Love right now in this moment of weariness and heartbreak. We ask that Psalms 34: 18 would become more real to us then ever. Be close to our broken hearts and save our crushed spirits as only YOU can!! Heal us from the inside out. Teach us what we need to know, and those things that we can’t understand or wrap our minds around…help us to have peace that You know best and have a plan that is not to harm us but to help us. Give us Your Joy that is our strength even in the midst of these circumstances, and draw us closer to You more then ever before. In Jesus name we pray…. Amen!!!

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